


2001: A Gay Oddity

by yossarian359



Series: Shitposts and Humor [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Dear lord what have i written, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, I may have went to far in a few places, Weirdness, heavily influenced by doug adams, it gets reeeaall crazy XD, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 16:22:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14217045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yossarian359/pseuds/yossarian359
Summary: Red flooded Lena’s face, “Oh, h-hey Cap,” her plans to wave hello to her superior were foiled as she remembered that her right hand was stuck far down Widowmaker’s pants. “Oh, bugger me.”An odyssey of oddities as our two favourite lesbians discover all that's crazy in the universe as they jump between infinite realities.





	2001: A Gay Oddity

**Author's Note:**

> Blame Nox (Sheut) and twoheartedalien (primarily Nox) for this work, as their constant bugging telling me to write something not angsty resulted in the most bizarre shitpost I've ever considered, being written.

 

All things considering, it was a pretty average day in the life of Lena Oxton. Got up, had a shower, had a wank, made breakfast, joined the team for a boring old payload mission. And—ah yes—soaked through and through, on top of a construction site in a lightning storm; having a life and death fight with her frenemy with benefits.

 Perfectly normal. At least for now.

The sky lit up in a brilliant dash of lightning, followed moments later by the crashing of thunder all arounder her. Tracer landed flat on her back on the edge of a steel beam, winded. She stared up to where she was just thrown off. A figure; purple, blue, and slender dropped down, heeled metal boots landing firm on the beam jutting out into oblivion. Finally, a grin flashed on her face as she spoke.

“Looks like it’s over, isn’t it?” Her sultry voice downing out the rain falling around them.

“Oh, save it, love,” said Tracer, “Can we _please_ just skip to the snogging today?”

Widowmaker groaned, “Let me enjoy my victory, chérie.”

Tracer rolled her eyes, smiling, “Fine, fine. When you’re ready.” She motioned for her to continue. 

Snapping back into character, Widowmaker chuckled, smirking evilly. “Oh, mon petit chou, I’ve won, you’ve lost, and now,” she stepped forward, slinging her sniper rifle to her back, “I get to claim my reward.”

“Oh yeah? Why don’t you come and take me?” Tracer said through gritted her teeth.

“I would like nothing more,” Widowmaker hummed, “But first, I want to truly savour this moment having beaten you.” She swayed her hips as she leant forward, crossing her legs in what was most certainly a ballet pose. Lena had to consciously stop herself from rolling her eyes. _I just had to go and fall in love with the queen of extra._

She continued, “You are the _perfect_ fly wandering in my web. You know, ever since I was a little girl, I had a fear of spi—”

In the space of two blinks Tracer had reversed their positions and was straddling Widowmaker’s torso.

Widowmaker landed on her back with audible discomfort, “That’s hardly fair, chérie.” She grunted.

“First, that monologue was going somewhere cringy _,_ love, and second,” Tracer leaned in, dangerously close to Widowmaker’s lips, “there are _much_ better things you could be doing with your pretty mouth.”

“So impatient, _mon coeur,_ ” her smile turned coy, “Is that all I am, just a pretty mouth?”

Tracer responded by crashing their lips together in a kiss that very quickly grew heated. “You’re too _bloody_ sexy. It shouldn’t be legal,” she said when she pulled back.

Widowmaker laughed enjoying how easily flushed Tracer became. She also enjoyed the way that her hands wasted little time unzipping her catsuit and sliding down to trace the curve of her stomach. Falling, lower, _lower_.

Suddenly her eyes went wide. “Merde, Lena!” she said with abrupt desperation.

“Bit early for you to be screaming my name, love,” said Lena, confused.

“Lena, what are you doing?!”

She froze at the new voice entering the scene. Seeing Widowmaker’s horrified expression, she turned to where her girlfriend was looking and saw Ana Amari standing with her mouth open, stunned.

Red flooded Lena’s face, “Oh, h-hey Cap,” her plans to wave hello to her superior were foiled as she remembered that her right hand was stuck far down Widowmaker’s pants. “Oh, bugger me.”

Thankfully, the universe decided to save them from embarrassment as they were promptly struck by lightning and the world went white.

 

\---

 

Widowmaker was the first to realise something was wrong.

“Something is wrong,” she said.

“Yeah,” Lena said slowly, “You’re upside down love.”

She looked up to see Widowmaker, upside down standing on a ceiling even though there wasn’t a ceiling. “Lena… What am I standing on?” she said, then gravity kicked in and she fell on Lena who was sitting on the floor even though there wasn’t a floor.

The sky decided to materialise in the form of dark grey rain clouds. A series of depressed grey buildings leaped up from the ground, did an appalling dance in the air, and landed lamely to from a sprawling suburb of mediocrity. In the distance someone was shouting expletives at a dog while several big plumes of smoke spilled into the unhappy sky.

“Bugger!” Lena shouted, eyes wide in _horror_ . “We’re in _Scunthorpe_!” She spat the word as if it were the most vile place on earth (it was). “Also, I think we were just struck by lightning which means my chronal accelerator has been temporarily overcharged.” She looked down to see that the light in the centre of her accelerator was changing colours at an almost seizure inducing speed.  

It started raining very heavily. Lena wiped a smidge off and stuck her finger in her mouth. _Mmm, jam._ “What does that mean?” asked Widowmaker.

“What, the jam?”

“No, _petit idiote!_ ” Widowmaker exclaimed, wiping the jam from her face, “What happened to your accelerator; what does that mean for us?”

“Oh, right. That. Yes, well…” Lena grimaced, because one of the factories in the distance had come alive and decided to sing the entirety of the H.M.S. Pinafore in the voice of Dame Judi Dench. “Means were sorta stuck in the slipstream, and cause it’s overcharged it means that we’re ping ponging between infinite realities.”

“Okay.” Widowmaker’s eyes went distant.

“Hey, cheer up love, Winston will get us back in a jiffy! He did it last time this happened. All we gotta do is wait for a bit.”

Widowmaker narrowed her eyes at her. “You’ve been struck by lightning before? That’s impossible, even for you.”

“Not impossible,” Lena protested, “Just very, _very_ improbable. Actually, it happened three times, the first time I fell into a power line.”

A smacking could be heard as Widowmaker brought her palm hard on her forehead. “Why am I not surprised.” Widowmaker then noticed something very odd about her girlfriend. “Lena…” She trailed off, swallowing thickly, “Why have you turned into a dog?”

“Wha-” she barked, and looked down to see four paws and a furry body. “Oh, for fuck sake!” she pouted. “Why does it always happen?”

Widowmaker resting-bitch-face finally broke as she laughed. “You’re so _incredibly_ cute, ma chien.”

“Stop staring at me!” Lena whined, “It’s embarrassing.” A series of sad noises came from her snout. Widowmaker couldn’t resist taking her _petite amie_ in her arms and stroking the back of her head between the ears till her hind leg started pounding in excitement.

“When I said I wanted to see you on a leash, chérie, this is not quite what I had in mind.” Widowmaker hummed.

“Shut up,” she panted, “Don’t you dare fucking stop that. Oh yes!” 

Sadly, Lena’s fun was interrupted as the ground underneath them turned into a pit of multi-coloured balls.

Widowmaker was first to panic, shooting her grappling hook up into nothingness as she lost her footing in the endless ditch of balls. “Help!”

Lena on the other hand pranced quite easily out of the humiliating danger, enjoying the sight of the world's deadliest assassin struggle to find her footing in a four-foot ball-pit. “Lena, I’m drowning!”

“No, you’re not.” Lena woofed.

“Lena, could you help us resolve something?” a rather irritated voice croaked. It was Lucio, who was, quite unimaginatively, a frog in this universe.

“Sure thing Lucio, love the shirt by the way.” Lena barked and then followed the frog to the cafe in the middle of a shopping mall from 2022’s Estonia. They passed a purple iguana drinking a margarita (most likely Sombra) and stopped at a table where a rabbit the size of a minivan was waiting for them.

Lucio hopped up on the table and gestured to his much larger partner. “Watch this,” he clears his frog throat, “D.va, tell me again why you don’t love me.”

The bunny, who unimaginatively represents D.va in this universe, replied with a mouth full of Cheetos. “Because you’re crazy.”

“Why am I crazy?” he asked.

“Because you love me.”

“And why am I crazy for loving you.”

“Because I’m crazy.”

“So: you won’t love me because I’m crazy, I’m crazy because I love you, this makes me crazy because you’re crazy, therefore, you are crazy and think this.”

“Yup.”

Lucio turned to Lena who was now a fox. “You see the problem?”

The solitary gear turned slowly in her little fox head. “So, you won’t love him because you think he’s crazy.”

“Correct,” the rabbit replied between bites.

“And you think he’s crazy because he loves you,” Lena asked, pausing while waiting for the bunny to nod, “and that makes him crazy because you think you’re crazy, which means he’s loving someone crazy. But if he didn’t love you, that’d mean you’d love him because he would no longer be crazy and you would love him?”

“Yes,” D.Va replied, taking an excruciatingly long sip from a chocolate raspberry milkshake. 

“But if he doesn’t love you,” Lena shouted, “Then that defeats the whole fucking point _dunnit_?, ‘Cause then you’d love him but he doesn’t love you!” Lena became so angry at this that she turned back into a human. “The fuck you on about, mate? You’re hurting my head.”

Widowmaker had finally caught up with the love of her life and greeted her by smacking the back of the head with her gauntlet.

“Ow!” Tracer yelped, “What the fuck was that for, gorgeous?”

“I will hurt your head so much more, you beautiful _little shit_!” Screamed Widowmaker who slammed Lena into a suffocatingly tight hug, “Do _not_ leave me alone with _balls_ ever again.”

When she withdrew, Lena saw coloured plastic balls stuck in Widowmaker’s hair, makeup smeared on her face, and her expression explaining how she just survived the apocalypse.

“Hey,” said Lena softly, “Don’t worry, love. Let’s get back home and I can ride your face, yeah? I know that always makes you feel better.”

Widowmaker hugged her again and made muffled happy content noises. The multiverse was kind this time and deposited them back in Lena’s London apartment, even going through the trouble to position them so that the smaller woman was straddling Widowmaker’s face.

“Ah,” Lena sighed, “Much better.”

“So, ma chérie,” Widowmaker brought her hands up to caress Lena’s hips, “You promised a little face-sitting adventure?”

Lena cursed herself for finding that statement _far_ more seductive than it ever should have been. “You bet your pretty blue arse.”

The front door very suddenly came crashing down. “Oi!” came Lena’s voice from the otherside of the room, “The fuck you doin’ in my house?”

“Wha-?”

“You. Gay _cunt_. Off my bed.” Lena turned her head around to see Lena in the doorway. Only that she was dressed in wine red and black. The accelerator in her chest glowed an ominous dark orange which complimented the angry scowl on her face.

“Aren’t you me?” Lena asked offended, whilst removing her thighs from Widowmaker’s face. “That means you’re gay too, you edgelord wanker!”

As if on cue, the _other_ Widowmaker, or Amélie in this case, walked in behind the angry small Lena and sat comfortably on a chair while crossing her legs. “She has you there, ma chérie.”

“Who are you?” asked Widowmaker to the woman who looked like her sitting on the chair like she owned the place.

“I’m you, but better,” she replied in a nonchalant manor. She wore a uniform reminiscent of the old overwatch, a blue hat that complimented her fair skin and dark hair.

“What are you doing here, _lesser me?_ ” The edgelord Lena demanded.

“No idea,” said Lena indignantly, “Got struck by lightning and—”

“You got struck by lightning? Clumsy bitch.”

“Oi, you stupid lesbian hypocrite! Why are _you_ here?”

“Hush, chéries,” Amélie soothed, “Let's not be antagonistic,” a playful smirk appeared on her face, “I have a feeling we can get up to all kinds of exciting fun, the _four_ of us…”

“What are you saying?” said both Lenas in unison.

“I think,” started Widowmaker, still lying on the bed with a suggestive grin, “I’m beginning to like me.”

Another large crack in the sky interrupted their pleasantries as the clouds parted to reveal a large hand stretching out from the abyss. The laws of physics stretched and turned, paused, did a triple somersault and soliloquised a section from Othello before propelling the original Lena and Widowmaker upwards into the heavens.

They passed the thermosphere stupendously quickly before soaring out into a sea of stars.

Far above the moon, they saw Planet Earth was blue and there was nothing they could do.

 _Though I’m past one hundred thousand miles, I’m feeling very still. I thinks my spaceship knows which way to go._ _Tell my wife I love her very much, she kn—_

“Lena, will you stop singing?” Widowmaker snatched the acoustic guitar from her hands, “We’re not even in a spaceship, and I’m not your wife!”

“Well, not yet.” she wiggled her eyebrows, earning her a glare from the Widowmaker. Lena rubbed the back of her head with a free hand as they passed Ceres in the asteroid belt, hurtling towards the orbit of Jupiter.

In the shadow of the gas giant they were abruptly stopped by an unknown entity.

The Galilean moons all halted in their orbit. Jupiter’s magnetic field fluctuated wildly, flinging away it’s smaller moons and rings clinging to the planet’s gravity well. The gas giant grew larger and larger before the eyes of the two women suspended in space.

Suddenly—with a dramatic crash of the orchestra playing _Also Sprach Zarathustra_ somewhere offscreen—the mass amounts of hydrogen in its atmosphere lit up, ignited, and Jupiter became a star.

Light from the star refracted, bent, curved, and tried out on so many different shapes and sizes before settling on 600 trillion hertz, lluminating the hidden solar system inside Jupiter’s gravitational field, revealing the Galilean moons in all it’s breathtaking beauty. Widowmaker’s hand found Lena’s in the void of space as they silently watched the dance of celestial bodies, moving in time with the heavens. An aurora of light and colour bathed them as they floated in the sublime darkness of space.

The awe inspiring tranquility transcended reality when a massive shimmering veil of silver glass materialised and fell away like dust, to reveal a glittering entity walking on a sunbeam (Jupiter beam?)

Cosmic wind whisked around it, the centre of the universe seemed to shift and a sense of awe and humbleness flooded the two women witnessing the divine being revealing themselves before them.

The deity was a man with dark hair slightly slicked back, a rather kind welcoming face which was complemented by the presence of thick smart glasses.

“Hi,” he said, in a rather soothing voice with a hint of femininity, “I’m God, but, you may call me Jeff from the Overwatch Team.”

Lena and Widowmaker were warmed to his presence and offered their own greetings:

“Hiya.”

“Salut.”

“As you may know,” he continued, “I have a very important announcement to make regarding the future of Overwatch. There will be significant changes in the next patch that will be affecting you two in particular.”

“Wait,” Lena began, “If you’re God, then why did you reveal yourself to us?”

Jeff looked confused, “Sorry?”

“You’ve just proved you exist by turning that planet into a sun and by sayin’ hi, giving us irrefutable evidence of your existence. But, irrefutable evidence means you don’t need faith, but people need faith to believe in you. So by showing up, you’ve just proved you don’t exist! Also, if you’re all powerful and can do anything, can you create a stone too heavy for you to lift? Another thing: does the tree make a noise? Which ship is Theseus’? Is there a teapot goin’ round the sun?”

The look of confusion increased further. Thankfully though, a sharp elbow stopped Lena in her line of theological ramble. “Ouch! that hurt, love.” She whined.

“Thank you, Widowmaker,” Jeff said warmly.

“My apologies,” she chimed, “Please, you were saying?”

“Ah yes, my announcement...”

Widowmaker couldn’t help but feel a rush of excitement, though she suppressed it in the face of her creator. What was the announcement regarding her and Lena? More plot, maybe a couple character interactions and flirtatious lines?

Or maybe even canonization! She dared to hope. The thought sent excited tingles through her body though she remained as _tsundere_ as possible. Jeff could sense her excitement (he _was_ God after all) and smiled.

“One thing is first though,” he warned. His eyes suddenly turned a gleaming red that was far too bright as his voice dropped into a thundurus bellow.

“ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS - EXCEPT EUROPA

ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE”

And as quickly as that happened, he returned to normal.

Widowmaker shared a quick look with her girlfriend, Lena looked just as confused as she was.

“Now, back to the update. I have a feeling you guys will be pretty excited about the next comic as—”

 

\---

The anticipation that had been building up vanished into excruciating disappointment as just before Jeff was about to reveal the truth, they were both chucked out of the slipstream, materialising back into reality on the dank construction sight they started on.

It was probably another cop out event comic anyway.

“Ah Lena, there you—” Winston was stopped dead in his tracks when he saw that Lena’s hand was still stuffed down the enemy's pants. “You’re in public,” he said, plainly putting his large paw to his face, “Just so you know.”

“Hmm,” Widowmaker murmured, “I have a feeling ma chérie enjoys it that way.”

Quite an ecstatic laugh that sounded more like a mating call indicated that Sombra was nearby. “You are a disaster, araña!” said Sombra as she appeared behind them. “A walking gay disaster.”

Widowmaker took that in stride, no point in denying it. “I preferred you as an iguana, ‘ombre,” she counted, to which Sombra’s only response was the slight furrowing of the brow in a silent _‘Que?’_

“WHAT ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE?” Soldier 76 yelled as he ascended the long stairs, out of breath.

Sombra touched up her nails with the nail filer she managed to conjure up. “I’m chillin’ out, _el viejo,_ ” she said, sitting down on a beam and crossing her legs in a nonchalant manner. “You should too, before you give yourself a hernia.”

They weren’t spared from Soldier 76’s booming voice just yet as he caught sight of Lena and Widowmaker. “AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?”

“Calm down, Jack.” Ana soothed as she was getting out her thermal flask to pour everyone a post-battle cup of tea.

Winston decided it would be a good time to relax and took a seat with a thud that shook the platform slightly. “I mean, everyone knew anyways.”

“Oh, you did?” Lena asked, finally removed her hand from her girlfriend’s trousers. “Coulda bloody told us! Instead of making us sneak around and all that.”

“Oh?” chimed Widowmaker, lowering her gaze in an attempt to be seductive. “I thought you said that being clandestined was exciting, mon coeur.”

A positively evil grin formed on Lena’s face, she leant to her lover’s ear and whispered something that caused the periwinkle lady to turn a dark purple blush. She withdrew after nibbling and earlobe; offering a small tease for later. Unfortunately, Lena’s cool was ruined as Widowmaker crashed their lips together, makes a flushed lewd mess of Lena in the process.

“Woah, love.” she breathed, “That’ll do.”

Soldier 76 shook his head. “You knew?” he turned his gravelly attention to Ana who shrugged her shoulders.

“I suspected.” A cheeky smirk grew on Ana’s face, “What, you don’t ship it? Isn’t that a bit hypocritical of you, Jack? Whatever would Gabriel say?”

Jack turned away, conceding this round and muttering a bunch of old man insults under his breath.

“Oh, man,” piqued Lucio as he arrived at the scene. “It happen again? Wait, were frog me and bunny D.Va _still_ having that argument?”

“Yup.” Answered Tracer.

“For the record,” D.Va added, “You _are_ crazy.”

“Yeah, but you love me.” he replied, and D.Va stuck her tongue out as there was little use denying him.

Suddenly, Lena remembered something. “Winston, just out of interest: what’s on Europa?”

Her best friend’s eyes went wide at the mention of that moon’s name. “Lena, trust me, you don’t want to know…”

“Okay, guess I don’t.” she trailed off, and a nice gay tranquility—only disturbed by Jack’s old man noises—fell onto the group as they watched the sun rise.

\---

 

Fin.


End file.
